Sunday, April 12, 2009

Will the real Dan Pagan please stand up

A lot of controversy is surrounding my true identity and as a journalist I have to be truthful, so I will lay it out for you with 100% honesty. It pains me but, I have to confess something. About 2 months ago I was strapped for cash so I did what any deaf university student would do, I signed up for illegal medical testing. It was supposed to be simple, nothing I could die from, and It didn't involve radioactivity so my boys were safe, it was just a routine scientific experiment, it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. It involved me going under with a mild anesthetic, simple right? What could go wrong? Everything. I woke up amidst the chaos, the nurses and doctors were screaming, blood was everywhere, I just remember Dr. Nygost saying, "He's waking up, nurse!!" and then I blacked out again. When I woke up I was in my bed, upside down-- and for the longest time I thought it was all just a lucid dream. There was no record of any of this science experiment, and while my body was bruised it could have happened for any reason. I went on with my life thinking I hit the den a little bit too hard.

Since then things have been really weird. I was getting forgetful. People kept telling me they ran into me in the hallways but I didn't remember, or I was supposed to meet them for a costume party but I had no idea what they were talking about. Maybe they weren't talking to my face, maybe that's it. I know one time my friend was really mad at me and was all like FUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU, and because my head was turned I didn't even know it. But it wasn't. It took me a few moments, but after school one day... I saw him... I saw a guy looking through my locker, probably looking for drug money. I followed him down the hall, but he must have sensed me peering at him, what was he doing in my locker? As I turned the corner a knife came at my neck, "Who the fuck are you? And why are you following me?".

"D..Daaaaan Paaaaaagan" I said, the knife was lowered, and I darted away from my assailant only to turn back... "You can't be" said the voice. "Why?" I signed... not realizing words came from my hand and not my mouth, "because.... I am Dan Pagan" replied the hands of the thief. He darted off into the dark hallway leaving me with a million questions. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THEEEEEE FHUUUUCK?



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