Teaching confidence on the decline, attendance on the rise

Recent scientific findings from the University Calgary have discovered that Teaching Confidence is at a record all time low this fall semester. Professors at the University of Calgary aren't as confident in their teaching methods as they have been in years past a local study finds and because of this anxiety and depression among faculty staff is on the rise which is in turn leading to an increase in marked and even mandatory attendance demands on their students.

Professors spend much more than five hours a year designing and molding their course curriculum, hours that seem to have been wasted in years past-- especially by the Professors who lack the creativity, interest, and intelligence to devise lecture or even seminar edutainment. But now empty lecture halls look to be a thing of the past, as a University wide mandate was issued in August by the University Board to increase classroom attendance astronomically by forcing students to attend Professor Borings 50 minute lectures, three times a week by making use of the "taking attendance method" which is a prominent tool for elementary school teachers and is often carried out by class designated attendance takers.

Such provisions include allowing attendance to be worth up to a maximum of 20% of students grade, and enforcing a rule that in order to pass the class you must attend all classes and or labs/tutorials. It seems like the University has placed more importance on looking like an institution of scholarly learning than actually becoming one. Not only is the University scholastically on the decline according to McLean's Magazine, but it is now awarding a maximum of 1/5th of its GPA for just showing up. Students can now theoretically get a degree by failing every single course related article as long as they have an immaculate attendance record.

There are two sides to this story, and like a good journalist, we spoke with both sides... "I like getting easy marks, but it sucks that I could hurt my GPA by simply sleeping in once in a while or even getting sick. It's an interesting issue but it can work for and against my betterment. Maybe Professors could just make their lectures and courses more enjoyable and it wouldn't be such a chore for me to show up" said 3rd year Biology student Sasha Jenson.

Sasha makes a brilliant point, why is it that Professors like Professor Quaderu (See:UofC scientists say science becomes more fun and good the more high you get') are continually able to headline and pack gigantic lecture halls on a nightly basis for courses like "Bio312: Sharks!!!!"?

"I see other professors and the weak ass shit they bring on a daily basis, their classrooms are barely packed, kids are napping, facebooking, their voice is this nasally monotone sound... where's the showmanship? Where's the flare? Where's the edutainment?" says Quaderu.

This journalist went to a 200 level lecture with Quaderu. The room was packed with students, and too the untrained eye it looked like a great classroom vibe but not to Professor Q as he is known by the student body, "Fucking amateur hour." he said before storming off midlecture.

"See I like to fuse mtv shit, shit the kids know and feel, real talk from the streets, with my information on sharks, like I'll show Jaws for one lecture, blueray, and then in another lecture spit the nastiest shit on my mic about how sharks got dorsal fin spines. That is what kids today are creaming for when it comes to edutainment".

The University of Calgary needs to readjust its current attendance mandate and start hiring education/entertainment professionals who make University and learning fun so students want to attend as many classes as possible, learning should be sought after not forced.

U of C scientists say 'science becomes more fun and good the more high you get'

Scientists at the University of Calgary have found that getting high while conducting science has a more positive effect on science related activities then previously thought. A U of C study says that when scientists are exposed to marijuana, many factors such as scientific findings, fun times, and work related happiness increase exponentially.

"Most studies just look at one factor. We wanted to mix a few of the environmental factors that are part of this particular scenario to study a more true-to-life impact smoking the ganja has on science," says David Reed, a professor in the Department of Biological Sciences who co-authored a paper with research associate Mirwais Qaderu in the advanced on-line edition of the journal Physiologia Plantarum. "We've discovered that science becomes more fun and good the more high you get".

Conventional scholarly wisdom says that drugs can have an adverse effect at the workplace, but according to Professor "Weed" Reed "that is some weak ass capitalist bullshit."

"Not only is science just so much funner with the THC, but I'm finding out all sorts of science." said Qaderu as he lit his Dilbert head shaped Bong. "I pretty much am just learning the shit out of science right now, like Sharks and shit. Sharks are fucking incredible".

Reed and Qaderu, who received funding from the University Research Grants Committee (URGC) and High Times Magazine (HTM), analyzed six fellow scientists that were exposed to combinations of three Canadian drugs: Marijuana, Crack Rock and Cocaine. When asked about their findings Reed simply handed this reporter a mixtape titled, "Proffesa Reed's Sweet Smooth sounds of Science". The mixtape featured a heavy dose of old timey Indian music. "It just came to me after I stared into a microscope for 9 straight hours as I looked at an Onion slide".

Quderu high as fuck, staring at shark data

Because of their findings Professor Reed and Qaderu hope that more scientists will begin to enjoy the subtle nuances of science that often go overlooked by the average non-high scientist. "If people conducted scientific research while fucked out of their minds, I am pretty sure we could cure cancer and the infinite doritio crisis."

U of C signs Memorandum of Understanding

On July 28th the U of C Vice Provost (International) Carol Stewart and Secretary of State Jialsco Mexico Fernando Antonio Guzman Perez Palaez (2 legit 2 quit) signed a memorandum of understanding between the U of C and the Mexican ministry of education.

Effective immediatley the U of C becomes helpfully committed to the education, research, and technological development of Mexico. Providing educational aide as needed to the Jialscon people, much like a national tutor.

"Education is without a doubt, the basis for development of any nation” said Mr. Fernando Mexican. “In a globalized world, English has become the universal language by necessity. The signing of this Memorandum, which will promote deeper linkages, is very fitting as we mark ten years of cooperation". Unfortunatley since the 10 years of cooperation Mexico has become even stupider through the tutelage of the pristine scholarly learning of Calgary (bullshit sentence = obviously U of C). In fact the state of Jialsco is hovering around F's in most gradeable categories including education, happiness, and wealth. Whereas before the tutoring from the U of C, Jialsco was one of the richest Mexican states and had the highest education rate in the country. Yeah but Gondi, where did you get all these factoids and figures? Wikipedia. That's how we roll at the U of C. Fast and Furious. So What went wrong with Jialsco?

Unfortunatley with continual plummetting GPA's and lower standards of education the University of Calgary has emboldened the metaphor by becoming "that stupid ass tutor who doesn't know shit". You know, the kind of tutor that is supposed to be teaching you chemistry but ends up just talking about how cool he was in junior high or how all this first year chemistry is cake and he wished he could have all this easy stuff in his masters courses. Yeah that asshole. That's the U of C now, and that poor tutee, that's a Jialsco Mexico, he's the kid who on his chem final wrote, "1 of the periodic tables" and "9 killojeters of acid = many taco". Poor Jialsco. They need to withdraw before its too late and that F becomes a permanent mark on their track record.